xmas survival

Well as many of us prepare for the festive season, I feel it's my duty to inform you of some serious news. The average person will gain six pounds in weight over a ten day period. (I'm not quite sure of the figures, if you're not an average person!)

That's the bad news

However, I was reliably informed that the following advice will help us deal with our weighty issues

If you fatten up everyone else around you, you'll look thinner

If you have a diet drink with chocolate, the calories in the chocolate are cancelled out by the diet drink

Remember, foods with similar colouring have the same calories e.g. turkey and white chocolate

Hey if you still gain weight - don't blame me!

I've just read that £2.1 billion is expected to be put on credit cards this xmas.I'm not worried, my wife has had plastic surgery, I've cut hers up!!

Feeling Rough Over The Festive Season?
Be assured that no matter how awful you may look, or rough you may feel, you will never look as bad as you do in your passport photo!

With a week to go, people are starting to panic. I "nipped" in our local supermarket last night and saw 2 cases of road rage on the car park. I dunno what all the fuss is about, the shops are open on Boxing Day, cause they are scared they may have left you with a bit of money in your pocket!!

Any way in multicultural Britain, there's always a corner shop run by, shall we say, "an non christian denomination".

The best time at Christmas is @ 8-00pm Xmas Eve- the shops are shut and the light of my darkness can't send me on a wild goose chase for some exotic ingredient -( Dam you Nigella, Delia Jamie and all the other celeb chefs). A medicinal snifter and I can face the upcoming family meal with fortitude

As usual it will be a very traditional Christmas, with presents, crackers, door slamming and people bursting into tears


And finally
I realise people approach Christmas with different hopes and expectations. For me it's about football, food, faith ........................ er and family (Not necessarily in that order!) I appreciate it may be very different for you. But however you celebrate (if indeed you do) and whatever it's significance, I wish you moments of meaning, laughter and peace -


Remember the reason for the season