Think back to high school biology and you'll probably have a memory buried somewhere of a Russian researcher named Ivan Pavlov. Pavlov, you may recall, repeatedly rang a dinner bell right before feeding his dogs a big, juicy steak. Eventually, the dogs would salivate at the sound of the bell. Pavlov had trained his dogs to have a physiological response to a neutral stimulus - a bell - simply because the bell was associated with food.Think about that the next time you're at the movies and pass the popcorn stand.Our brains are wired in much the same way as the brains of Pavlov's dogs. We associate all sorts of things with food - from a holiday celebration to a fight with our spouse. Food nourishes us - but it also comforts us, soothes us and even medicates us when we're feeling anxious, lonely or tired. And it helps us celebrate when we're feeling happy. Put that together with the fact that obscene amounts of food are everywhere and you have a perfect recipe for eating disorders and mass obesity.But just as we were conditioned to associate food - and overeating - with all sorts of things, we can undo that conditioning. It's not easy - but it's also not as hard as you might think. And it generally takes no more than 21 days.Our overeating triggers are actually chains of events - like Christmas tree lights that go on in sequence. A stressful argument leads to feeling helpless which leads to a journey into the kitchen which leads to ten packs of ring-dings. Usually the chain of events is faster and shorter - think of feeling stress and immediately reaching for a cigarette.So here's the trick: short circuit the chain. Break the circuit and the remaining lights don't fire up. You can accomplish the same thing with your overeating triggers.First, isolate exactly what your five biggest triggers are. (Write them down.)Now comes the part where you put a "chink in the link". You're going to substitute a new activity for the destructive activity (much like an addict learns to go to the gym and get "high" from running). Try any one of these simple activities next time you hit one of your triggers:
Brush your teeth
Eat a pickle (eating something completely different from what you're craving tricks the brain and kills the craving - try eating a hot pepper when you're craving chocolate and you'll instantly see what I mean)
Reward yourself with a relaxing activity you normally wouldn't do - i.e. a warm bath or uninterrupted reading of glossy magazines!
Go for a walk (the endorphins released will often balance the chemistry of a craving brain)
Write down what you're feeling. Try "being" with that feeling for five minutes.Most cravings (and overeating triggers) only last 15 minutes. If you can outwait - or outwit - them, you can beat them. Tell yourself "I can have this food" (thus eliminating thoughts of deprivation) but "I have to wait just 15 minutes".You'll be amazed (and happily surprised) at how differently you'll feel a quarter hour later.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
How to describe"Britishness"
There is an old joke which, like all jokes, only works if delivered with a straight face and solemnity: “To be born an Englishman is to win first prize in the race of life.”
Anyhow, I know many of you are not in line for the first prize, and have better things to think about than the fact that English is not the same as British, and that our Prime Minister, Gordon Brown is Scottish, like his predecessor, Bliar, and many of his cabinet. Cameron is a Scottish name for that matter
Gordon Brown is no fool – he is running rings round Cameron - and to take the eye off his Scottish origins he has launched a campaign about "Britishness", the latest manifestation of which is a contest to come up with a phrase or word which describes being British.
To this end I believe he has set up a panel of 1,000 useful idiots, making it into the sort of contest they have on the back of cereal boxes.
You may well wonder why describing what it means to be British matters more than determining whether we stay British by being allowed to vote on whether we should willy-nilly accept the carefully disguised new European Constitution.
But, ever a concerned citizen, even though I have not been asked, I feel it my patriotic duty to help in the task of defining ourselves.
This country is a very popular holiday (and work) destination, so even if you are not British you may like to know what to expect when you get here. What are the words or phrases that encapsulate our national charms today?
I have examined what seems to characterise us most, and come up with a list of plausible candidates. This was no casual study. I did so by dint of by walking around the streets, reading the paper, listening to radio and watching, as little as possible, TV.
Finding just one phrase or word that describes us is not easy, as we have so many obvious qualities, but “Illiterate” instantly springs to mind. Even people with university degrees can rarely write English nowadays, as I know from reading far too many badly-written reports and letters asking for jobs.
“Obese” gets my vote, too. We dare not yet challenge the good citizens of, say, Houston, Texas, but in Europe only the Germans carry, on average, more wobbling flab than we now do.
“Noisy, drunken, tattooed and violent” is clearly a fitting phrase, as time in the hospital casualty department in any large town on a Saturday night will demonstrate. “Druggies” has a claim as well. If late at night you aren’t offered drugs nowadays, complain to someone – maybe the overpaid time-wasters at the Equal Opportunities Commission - because you’re being discriminated against.
How about “Pregnant at 15 - again”? Statistics show we are clear winners in that contest. Or perhaps “Idle”? The number of clearly able-bodied beggars you see on the streets is quite astounding. They do well too. I recently saw a black man who works from a bench in the King’s Road buying shoes in a shop nearby that’s far too expensive for me.
On top of that, an amazing number of people are paid to be unemployed or have jobs in the public sector that involve so little real effort they might just as well be. Thank God there are shoals of Poles and others who grapple with the hard graft.
I have to say, too, that “Mawkishly sentimental” has good claims. If you don’t believe me wait till you try to avoid being drowned by the tidal wave of slop that gushes out whenever the words “Princess Diana” are dragged out for another airing in the media.
It’s a tricky one, isn’t it? On balance, maybe “Gullible” gets my vote if we all fall for Gordon’s latest little ploy. But you do have to take your hat off to him. How many people could guide a country from massive surplus into massive debt in ten years and still be seen as a brilliant economic manager?
Now after that little bit of fun, before you all get carried away and imagine I’m just a miserable old git, I’ll come clean. I sometimes think all these qualities are counterbalanced by others like imagination, an unusual degree of tolerance, humour and a sense of fun, a belief in fairness, good restaurants serving almost any cuisine except our own, unusual skill at losing almost all sporting contests gracefully – and so on.
I also think that we have benefited hugely from all the people around who are not English.
A Few World Class Groaners!
I love puns and word-games,
These are really and truly AWFUL and I love them! Enjoy:
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Paradox \par'-u-doks\: Two physicians.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Primate \pri'-mat\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: What trees do in the spring
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 14 stone in a size 8.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: A guy that works on one of those submarines.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He is all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers, because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The geologist discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog its memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
* A calendar's days are numbered.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Anyhow, I know many of you are not in line for the first prize, and have better things to think about than the fact that English is not the same as British, and that our Prime Minister, Gordon Brown is Scottish, like his predecessor, Bliar, and many of his cabinet. Cameron is a Scottish name for that matter
Gordon Brown is no fool – he is running rings round Cameron - and to take the eye off his Scottish origins he has launched a campaign about "Britishness", the latest manifestation of which is a contest to come up with a phrase or word which describes being British.
To this end I believe he has set up a panel of 1,000 useful idiots, making it into the sort of contest they have on the back of cereal boxes.
You may well wonder why describing what it means to be British matters more than determining whether we stay British by being allowed to vote on whether we should willy-nilly accept the carefully disguised new European Constitution.
But, ever a concerned citizen, even though I have not been asked, I feel it my patriotic duty to help in the task of defining ourselves.
This country is a very popular holiday (and work) destination, so even if you are not British you may like to know what to expect when you get here. What are the words or phrases that encapsulate our national charms today?
I have examined what seems to characterise us most, and come up with a list of plausible candidates. This was no casual study. I did so by dint of by walking around the streets, reading the paper, listening to radio and watching, as little as possible, TV.
Finding just one phrase or word that describes us is not easy, as we have so many obvious qualities, but “Illiterate” instantly springs to mind. Even people with university degrees can rarely write English nowadays, as I know from reading far too many badly-written reports and letters asking for jobs.
“Obese” gets my vote, too. We dare not yet challenge the good citizens of, say, Houston, Texas, but in Europe only the Germans carry, on average, more wobbling flab than we now do.
“Noisy, drunken, tattooed and violent” is clearly a fitting phrase, as time in the hospital casualty department in any large town on a Saturday night will demonstrate. “Druggies” has a claim as well. If late at night you aren’t offered drugs nowadays, complain to someone – maybe the overpaid time-wasters at the Equal Opportunities Commission - because you’re being discriminated against.
How about “Pregnant at 15 - again”? Statistics show we are clear winners in that contest. Or perhaps “Idle”? The number of clearly able-bodied beggars you see on the streets is quite astounding. They do well too. I recently saw a black man who works from a bench in the King’s Road buying shoes in a shop nearby that’s far too expensive for me.
On top of that, an amazing number of people are paid to be unemployed or have jobs in the public sector that involve so little real effort they might just as well be. Thank God there are shoals of Poles and others who grapple with the hard graft.
I have to say, too, that “Mawkishly sentimental” has good claims. If you don’t believe me wait till you try to avoid being drowned by the tidal wave of slop that gushes out whenever the words “Princess Diana” are dragged out for another airing in the media.
It’s a tricky one, isn’t it? On balance, maybe “Gullible” gets my vote if we all fall for Gordon’s latest little ploy. But you do have to take your hat off to him. How many people could guide a country from massive surplus into massive debt in ten years and still be seen as a brilliant economic manager?
Now after that little bit of fun, before you all get carried away and imagine I’m just a miserable old git, I’ll come clean. I sometimes think all these qualities are counterbalanced by others like imagination, an unusual degree of tolerance, humour and a sense of fun, a belief in fairness, good restaurants serving almost any cuisine except our own, unusual skill at losing almost all sporting contests gracefully – and so on.
I also think that we have benefited hugely from all the people around who are not English.
A Few World Class Groaners!
I love puns and word-games,
These are really and truly AWFUL and I love them! Enjoy:
Avoidable \uh-voy'-duh-buhl\: What a bullfighter tries to do.
Baloney \buh-lo'-nee\: Where some hemlines fall.
Bernadette \burn'-a-det\: The act of torching a mortgage.
Counterfeiters \kown-ter-fit-ers\: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
Eclipse \i-klips'\: What an English barber does for a living.
Eyedropper \i'-drop-ur\: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Heroes \hee'-rhos\: What a guy in a boat does.
Left Bank \left' bangk'\: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
Paradox \par'-u-doks\: Two physicians.
Pharmacist \farm'-uh-sist\: A helper on the farm.
Primate \pri'-mat\: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
Relief \ree-leef'\: What trees do in the spring
Rubberneck \rub'-er-nek\: What you do to relax your wife.
Seamstress \seem'-stres\: Describes 14 stone in a size 8.
Selfish \sel'-fish\: What the owner of a seafood store does.
Subdued \sub-dood'\: A guy that works on one of those submarines.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
* Police were called to a daycare, where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
* Did you hear about the guy whose left side was cut off? He is all right now.
* The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
* To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
* When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
* A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
* A thief fell in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
* Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
* We'll never run out of math teachers, because they always multiply.
* When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.
* The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.
* The geologist discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
* The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
* If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog its memory.
* A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
* A backward poet writes inverse.
* With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
* When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
* A calendar's days are numbered.
* A boiled egg is hard to beat.
* He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
* A plateau is a high form of flattery.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
And Then He Made Women
My friend forwarded this, it touched me and I had to pass it along. I hope you'll enjoy it, and pass it along to your friends, as well.
By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, be able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and she will do everything with only two hands."
The angel was astounded. "Only two hands!? No way! That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."
But the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation and it's so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord." "She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."
And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their heart breaks when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail to show how much they care about you. The heart of woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
If you are a woman, I hope I've reminded you. If you are a man, pass this along to the women you love.
By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?" And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, be able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart, and she will do everything with only two hands."
The angel was astounded. "Only two hands!? No way! That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."
But the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation and it's so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."
The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord." "She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."
The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."
"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"
"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."
The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."
And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have. They love unconditionally. They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards. They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding. Their heart breaks when a friend dies. They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail to show how much they care about you. The heart of woman is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.
If you are a woman, I hope I've reminded you. If you are a man, pass this along to the women you love.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Questions that i ponder on!
1. If you spin an oriental man in a circle does he become disoriented?
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation?
8. Is there another word for synonym?
9. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
10. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
11. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
12. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
13. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
14. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
15. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
16. Why do they put Braille on drive-through bank machines?
17. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
18. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
19. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
20. How is it possible to have a civil war?
21. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
22. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
23. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
24. Whose idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "S" in it?
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
26. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
27. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
28. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor....
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
4. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
5. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
6. What if there were no hypothetical questions?
7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it a hostage situation?
8. Is there another word for synonym?
9. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
10. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
11. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
12. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
13. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
14. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
15. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
16. Why do they put Braille on drive-through bank machines?
17. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
18. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
19. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
20. How is it possible to have a civil war?
21. If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?
22. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
23. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
24. Whose idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "S" in it?
25. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
26. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
27. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
28. Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
More Job Centre woe
I had my jobseekers allowance interview on Tuesday.What a performance! I filled in 49 pages of intrusive questions about myself and my wife and our financial status, good job I wasn`t claiming council tax benefit as that was @ another 47 pages of questions.Inside leg measurement, religous disposition and are you a member of a recognized terrorist group??? I had started a new job as well, due to a bit of networking and calling people who I had worked with in the past. My boss was great, he understood my position,as it`s been @ 6 weeks since I`ve been paid, and due to my previous employers financial difficulties I only recieved 2 weeks wages.I`m almost as good as Jesus, he had a loaf and five fishes to feed the five thousand, I had 2weeks wages to feed and clothe a 16 year old eating machine and fashion victim-no contest.
( I wouldn`t mind but my son eats constantly,drinks pints of milk a day and never puts anyweight on,lucky git has got his mothers genes in that respect. I only have to look at a cream cake and I have to let my trousers out at the waist!!)
I digress, my appointment letter ordered me to arrive at my interview 10 minutes early, so I duly arrived at the Job Centre, nothing had changed- except the rats were a little fatter due to all the bait they had eaten. There was a bit of a rush on a the time ,as a couple of local companies had gone bust, so there were @ 30people milling around behind the counter, 2 pigs on the counter as air freshners, and 2 receptionists who couldn`t care less if they tried.There was also a securty guard there by the desk, probably ensuring that the receptionsts didn`t do a runner.I managed to atrract their attention, gave my name, and was told due to staff shortages, my interview would be running late- “Is that all right?” I was tempted to say “yes fine”, but I was losing money by being there, so I explained that it was my first day in a new job-
”Oh is that one you got from here?”
Yeah dream on sister!
She then asked if I had my forms, so I hitched up my weight lifting belt and pulled them out of my bag,- ever likely the rainforests are shrinking-She took them off me and tossed them behind her and told me to take a seat. Where to I didn`t ask.
After a while I asked one of the girls milling about how long she`d worked there? “3 months “ came the reply- so it wasn`t her who took my forms then! I was clean shaven when I went in, I had a 5o`clock shadow by the time my name was called.
I was led into another office and the guy behind the desk went through the set questions, whilst going through the forms. Every so often he would get up, excuse himself then leave the office. I thought he had a weak bladder, then I realised he was photcopying various parts of my application. I was then informed that he would go through my return to work plan, despite me informing him that I had started another job that very same day.
“Do you have a CV?”
“No I drive a Renault Megane”
“Are you prepared to work full time?”
“I already am”
“Are you prepared to travel to find work?”
“No ,as I already have a job”
After loads more questions, he told me I was entitled to 1weeks jobseekers allowance, less 3 waiting days, so the grand total would be £32.56.
I was ecstatic!! but the best was yet to come- there was a delay of at least 3weeks before I get paid, staff shortages you see.
I asked what I was supposed to live on in the meantime and was told I wouldn`t qualify for a crisis loan as my partner was working.
I was glad to get out and get back to work
As a foot note, my brother, who had been in the same situation-ie laid off due to his boss being insolvent-gave me a number to call that is a government scheme to compensate workers in that situation. It`s capped to a certain level,but they sent me the forms to fill in the very next day, and in most cases they pay you within 4weeks.
I guess the lesson in this is that God helps those who help themselves.
( I wouldn`t mind but my son eats constantly,drinks pints of milk a day and never puts anyweight on,lucky git has got his mothers genes in that respect. I only have to look at a cream cake and I have to let my trousers out at the waist!!)
I digress, my appointment letter ordered me to arrive at my interview 10 minutes early, so I duly arrived at the Job Centre, nothing had changed- except the rats were a little fatter due to all the bait they had eaten. There was a bit of a rush on a the time ,as a couple of local companies had gone bust, so there were @ 30people milling around behind the counter, 2 pigs on the counter as air freshners, and 2 receptionists who couldn`t care less if they tried.There was also a securty guard there by the desk, probably ensuring that the receptionsts didn`t do a runner.I managed to atrract their attention, gave my name, and was told due to staff shortages, my interview would be running late- “Is that all right?” I was tempted to say “yes fine”, but I was losing money by being there, so I explained that it was my first day in a new job-
”Oh is that one you got from here?”
Yeah dream on sister!
She then asked if I had my forms, so I hitched up my weight lifting belt and pulled them out of my bag,- ever likely the rainforests are shrinking-She took them off me and tossed them behind her and told me to take a seat. Where to I didn`t ask.
After a while I asked one of the girls milling about how long she`d worked there? “3 months “ came the reply- so it wasn`t her who took my forms then! I was clean shaven when I went in, I had a 5o`clock shadow by the time my name was called.
I was led into another office and the guy behind the desk went through the set questions, whilst going through the forms. Every so often he would get up, excuse himself then leave the office. I thought he had a weak bladder, then I realised he was photcopying various parts of my application. I was then informed that he would go through my return to work plan, despite me informing him that I had started another job that very same day.
“Do you have a CV?”
“No I drive a Renault Megane”
“Are you prepared to work full time?”
“I already am”
“Are you prepared to travel to find work?”
“No ,as I already have a job”
After loads more questions, he told me I was entitled to 1weeks jobseekers allowance, less 3 waiting days, so the grand total would be £32.56.
I was ecstatic!! but the best was yet to come- there was a delay of at least 3weeks before I get paid, staff shortages you see.
I asked what I was supposed to live on in the meantime and was told I wouldn`t qualify for a crisis loan as my partner was working.
I was glad to get out and get back to work
As a foot note, my brother, who had been in the same situation-ie laid off due to his boss being insolvent-gave me a number to call that is a government scheme to compensate workers in that situation. It`s capped to a certain level,but they sent me the forms to fill in the very next day, and in most cases they pay you within 4weeks.
I guess the lesson in this is that God helps those who help themselves.
Abandonhope all who enter
I am 44 years old. I have worked since I was 16 and in that time I have only been on the dole for one week. Even when the factory I worked at announced it was shutting, I was pro-active and took a temporary job untill I found another I wanted to do. On Friday, my boss announced that he was suspending operations, in effect he`s broke. I immediately went home trawled the net and local rags and registered with employment agencies. Monday felt like I was bobbing school, the first time in 28 years- apart from holidays- I haven`t gone to work. I was on the phone arranging interviews etc and felt pretty positive. Tuesday I went the job centre-big, big mistake. I`m not going to reveal the whereabouts but my local job centre leaves a lot to be desired. On the way in, a sign declared:
PLEASE DO NOT LINGER IN THIS AREA,RATS HAVE BEEN SEEN AND THE SITUATION IS BEING DEALT WITH. BAIT HAS BEEN PUT DOWN, DO NOT PICK ANYTHING UP FROM THE FLOOR.
Now I know times are hard but apart from toddlers, who picks things up? Am I missing something here?
The look of the building is bad enough, paint peeling and a general air of neglect, in fact it wouldn`t look out of place in Beirut - I almost expected to hear sniper fire. I turned the corner to the main entrance and was confronted by 2 security guards. Bought to mind the old joke "Have you got any weapons on you mate?"
"No"
"What do you want-knife,gun or chain?" boom-boom!!
I was looked over - mainly because I had clean clothes on! and a shirt rather than a - usually obscene- slogan T Shirt. Some strange looks when I didn`t set the metal detector off- no piercings you see.
Into a gloomy main room with a stained carpet, and a pig on the counter as an air freshener ( I`m exaggerating- the carpet wasn`t that bad)
I counted 20 people behind the counter, no one speaks, asks if theycan help or offers assistance. I noted one guy was playing solitaire on his computer-nice to see my taxes aren`t going to waste.
I wait until the receptionist has finished telling her colleague her latest sexual exploits with her married lover- cheeky little minx,so good of her to provide my entertainment, I`ve got nothing else to do! Also learned a few new techniques which I am sure my wife will apprecate later, who says education stops after school?
As she stops for air I rudely interupt and give her my tale of woe, she gives me a look that says "Your plight has really touched me- now sod off and tell someone who cares" as she passes me a leaflet with a jobline number on it and points to a bank of 3 phones with a queue of desperate looking men hovering around them. Having sized up the competiton and the fact that most of them smell like a brewery, I feel a bit like Niles from Frazier and decide to do my calling from home.
I get home call the magic number and get a distorted voice on the other end of the line asking set questions and giving me an appointment 2 weeks later to discuss my eligibility for jobseekers allowance.I suppose they hope I`ll find a job in the meantime, so do I,so do I!!
PLEASE DO NOT LINGER IN THIS AREA,RATS HAVE BEEN SEEN AND THE SITUATION IS BEING DEALT WITH. BAIT HAS BEEN PUT DOWN, DO NOT PICK ANYTHING UP FROM THE FLOOR.
Now I know times are hard but apart from toddlers, who picks things up? Am I missing something here?
The look of the building is bad enough, paint peeling and a general air of neglect, in fact it wouldn`t look out of place in Beirut - I almost expected to hear sniper fire. I turned the corner to the main entrance and was confronted by 2 security guards. Bought to mind the old joke "Have you got any weapons on you mate?"
"No"
"What do you want-knife,gun or chain?" boom-boom!!
I was looked over - mainly because I had clean clothes on! and a shirt rather than a - usually obscene- slogan T Shirt. Some strange looks when I didn`t set the metal detector off- no piercings you see.
Into a gloomy main room with a stained carpet, and a pig on the counter as an air freshener ( I`m exaggerating- the carpet wasn`t that bad)
I counted 20 people behind the counter, no one speaks, asks if theycan help or offers assistance. I noted one guy was playing solitaire on his computer-nice to see my taxes aren`t going to waste.
I wait until the receptionist has finished telling her colleague her latest sexual exploits with her married lover- cheeky little minx,so good of her to provide my entertainment, I`ve got nothing else to do! Also learned a few new techniques which I am sure my wife will apprecate later, who says education stops after school?
As she stops for air I rudely interupt and give her my tale of woe, she gives me a look that says "Your plight has really touched me- now sod off and tell someone who cares" as she passes me a leaflet with a jobline number on it and points to a bank of 3 phones with a queue of desperate looking men hovering around them. Having sized up the competiton and the fact that most of them smell like a brewery, I feel a bit like Niles from Frazier and decide to do my calling from home.
I get home call the magic number and get a distorted voice on the other end of the line asking set questions and giving me an appointment 2 weeks later to discuss my eligibility for jobseekers allowance.I suppose they hope I`ll find a job in the meantime, so do I,so do I!!
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