Sartorial Elegance and Me

I am a confused man tonight! Just been sort of watching Trinny and Susannah, I really should have paid more attention.From what I understand, they want to smarten up the British male. Now I don't mind shopping to a certain extent, although my wife,the light of my darkness, could turn it into an Olympic event. I must have a masochist streak in me, because I'm not the standard shape.

I have a 20" neck, 54" chest and a 46" waist,so jackets off the peg are rarer than rocking horse poo, and usually if they fit in the chest, the arms are way too long.It was nice when I was in America, as only being xxl shirt, I was almost anorexic. I always say I am Bulimic amnesiac, I binge but forget to throw up. I've taken medical advice, the doctor asked if my size is down to drink, but I told him it was because of my feet. I can't keep'em out of the pantry!!

I also went for liposuction, but it was on blow instead of suck

Anyway Trinny (way too thin if you ask me, get a good tater dinner down you girl)and Susannah,(just how a woman should be, I wouldn't kick her out of bed for breaking wind!!) reckon there are 6 male types, i.e.

1) Thick neck (see above) Wear Big deep collars/v neck jumpers/unbuttoned shirts/scarves/ goatees

2) Man boobs - wear prints,not plain,vertical stripes on shirts/vertical layering/pockets on shirts

3) Beer Belly ( not beer in my case, but you get the idea) Wear loose t shirt/low waist jeans/dark t shirt under a light top/scarves/one colour top & jeans

4) Short legs ( forgot to mention, 5tft 10" with a 29" inside leg) Wear all one colour/layered tops/flat top shoes/shoe and trouser colour to match/vertical stripes

5) Skinny - Wear short sleeve shirts/ skinny jeans/suit jackets

6) Top heavy (see above) Wear boot leg trousers/long scarves/fitted 2 button jackets/small pattern shirts/t shirts

Talk about feeling a freak,I'm now looking for a big collared shirt that is plain with stripes, and pockets,with the same colour trousers-(bootcut) and matching shoes, and a scarf with a goatee!!

I did shop at Mr Big,a store for the "big and tall man", once.I walked in and the assistant said "I can see why you shop here sir".

He got the reply

"yep it's a bind being so tall"

He then proceeded to measure me up,and shout my vital statistics to another assistant, so much for discretion.What with that and the 68" waist swimming trunks pinned on the wall, (they looked like the sail from a wind surfer) I beat a hasty retreat

I'm also having recurring nightmares about the time I walked into next and said,
"Do you have anything in my size?"

and got the reply

"If we have,someone is getting the sack!!".

I also want to know why most trousers for the larger man are made of polyester,if you walk more than 20 yards in them, you generate enough electricity to keep Blackpool illuminations going for a week. Polyester should be banned under the Geneva convention