Don't worry if you put on weight over Christmas; we can answer your questions about dieting-
I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
No – your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it... Don’t waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer, that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain.
How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Can’t think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain… Is Good.
Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
Food is fried in vegetable oil. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Is chocolate bad for me?
Never heard of cocoa beans? Another vegetable. It’s the best feel-good food around.
And, above all-
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – lager in one hand, bacon butty in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"
Monday, December 28, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
No wonder Tesco are worried... or, time to leave the country before they switch the lights out
In case you didn't notice, the other day the boss of Tesco let out a yowl of dismay about the dire state of education here. When a supermarket can't find people smart enough to arrange the fruit and veg, God knows we're in the mire.
So here is an instructive selection of magic moments from British Quiz programmes to prove a point.It almost makes you weep!!
Jeremy Paxman: What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and 'cheesemongers'?
Contestant: Homosexuals.
Jeremy Paxman: No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.
BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant: Geography isn't my strong point.
Jamie Theakston: There's a clue in the title.
Contestant: Leicester
BBC NORFOLK
Stewart White: Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: I don't know.
Stewart White: I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant: Arm
Stewart White: Correct And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant: Strong.
Stewart White: Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant: Louis
Stewart White: Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant: Frank Sinatra?
LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS )
Alex Trelinski: What is the capital of Italy ?
Contestant: France .
Trelinski: France is another country. Try again.
Contestant: Oh, um, Benidorm.
Trelinski: Wrong, sorry, let's try another question.. In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant: Sorry, I don't know.
Trelinski: Just guess a country then.
Contestant: Paris .
THE WEAKEST LINK (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or the Conservative Party?
Contestant: The Conservative Party.
BEACON RADIO ( WOLVERHAMPTON )
DJ Mark : For 10, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis: I think I know that one. Is it Jewish?
UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne: What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant: Goosey?
GWR FM ( Bristol )
Presenter: What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963 ?
Contestant: I don't know, I wasn't watching it then.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER )
Phil: What's 11 squared?
Contestant: I don't know.
Phil: I'll give you a clue. It's two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant: Is it five?
RICHARD AND JUDY
Richard: Which American actor was married to Nicole Kidman?
Contestant: Forrest Gump.
RICHARD AND JUDY (AGAIN)
Richard: On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant: Er. .. ..
Richard: He makes bread . .
Contestant: Er . ....
Richard: He makes cakes . .
Contestant: Kipling Street ?
LINCS FM PHONE-IN
Presenter: Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant: Barcelona .
Presenter: I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant: I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain .
NATIONAL LOTTERY (BBC1)
Question: What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant: The Pacific.
ROCK FM ( PRESTON )
Presenter: Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo da Vinci.
Contestant: Who Framed Roger Rabbit?
THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre: What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in 1918?
Contestant: Magna Carta?
JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
James O'Brien: How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant: Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... Er, er .... Three?
CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL )
Chris Searle: In which European country is Mount Etna ?
Caller: Japan .
Chris Searle: I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller: Er ...... Mexico ?
PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE )
Paul Wappat: How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (long pause): Fourteen days.
DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham: In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant: Holland ?
Daryl Denham: Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant: Iceland ? Ireland ?
Daryl Denham: (helpfully) It's a bad line. Did you say Israel ?
Contestant: No.
PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Phil Wood: What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant: Er. ... ..
Phil Wood: It's got two syllables . . . Kor . .
Contestant: Blimey?
Phil Wood: Ha ha ha ha, no. The past participle of run . . ..
Contestant: (Silence)
Phil Wood: OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . .. .
Contestant: Walked?
THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes: What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant: Nostalgia.
LUNCHTIME SHOW (BRMB)
Presenter: What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant: Jewish.
Presenter: That's close enough.
(Sounds like BRMB operates on the same basis as the national curriculum, folks)
STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright: Johnny Weissmuller died on this day. Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loin cloth did he play?
Contestant: Jesus.
By the way, the headline in yesterday evening's copy of London Lite, a free newspaper, was all about the fact that Louis Walsh was not going to appear as a judge in The X Factor because Stephen Gately, a singer, has died and Louis is too upset to appear.
Now there's a paper that knows the intellectual level of most of its readers.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Warrior
With thanks to Geoff Thompson
This resonated with me.To read the full article click here
Where have all the warriors gone? Where are all the stoics, the hardy grafters, the industrious inventors, the pioneers and adventurers? Why are men’s shirts tight on the belly instead of on the chest and back, and why are woman having to get post codes placed on each cheek of their very large arses? What ever happened to physical prowess, the hardy mentality and the imaginative acuity that enabled our great species to survive eons against seemingly impossible odds?
People have forgotten how to be courageous.
They have forgotten why it is important to be courageous.
Maybe now is the time to reconnect with the warrior that you once were and could be again.
Here are a few tips to help you towards self sovereignty and hardiness:
1) Get your physical well being back to balance. And start now. You should not be fat! You should not be unfit. You should not be out of shape.
2) Do not put of until tomorrow when you and I both know that for the procrastinator tomorrow does not exist.
3) Don’t point the finger of blame, unless you have a mirror handy. It is not a warrior trait to blame. The responsibility starts and ends with you.
This is the exciting bit. You don’t have to wait for permissions, you don’t need
the nod from your wife or your mum or your mates down the pub, it is down to
you, and making your own decisions is one step towards becoming a warrior.
4) Be industrious. Be busy investing your hours into the conglomerate that is You Inc. You should not be lazy, your time is very valuable because your time is finite, it is a once only deal, you will never get lost time back again, so make the very best you can of it.
5) Kill the self pity; you should not be self-pitying, it does not serve you and it is not a warrior trait. You need to be stoic about life, if you get knocked down seven times, get back up again eight.
6) Groom! People say that you should not judge by appearance. But if someone does not even have the self discipline to honour their body by keeping it clean and groomed, then it does not say an awful lot for their inner being.
7) Make an inventory. Abraham Lincoln made an inventory of all his faults; impatience, procrastination, lateness etc. He ended up with about fifteen personal failings on his list. He then spent a week, in rota, perfecting each area until he had erased them all.
8) Self invest. Set an amount of time out every day to invest in yourself. Read, write, study, train, meditate – what ever does it for you, but invest. Make the investment consistent. And don’t say you do not have the time. You have the same time as everyone else. And if you don’t invest in you, who will?
9) Build a library. I have yet to meet a very successful person who does not read heavily. Readers are leaders. So start your collection of books and audios now. It will be life changing, because it is through the library that we escape mediocrity.
10) Serve. Make a point of serving others, because what you give out will keep returning. There is much power here! This is a reciprocal universe, what you give you will get back ten fold. Where possible make your service anonymous. Ideally only you and God should know where and how you serve. The real power of service is when it is secret service.
Be a warrior. Do not let life kick sand in your face. Stand up to it. Stoics see adventure and growth in every life situation, even and especially the tough life situations. It is in adversity that warriors are made. Be a hardy grafter, an industrious inventor and a pioneer. Do not settle for second best or complain about the fact that you would do more ‘if things were not so difficult.’ Life is hard for everyone, no one can escape the human condition, but it does not have to be dull and mundane; it can be exciting-hard and colourful-hard. You just need to give yourself a change of perspective, stop seeing what you have not got, and start looking at what you have got.
Don Juan Matus, a Yaqui Indian and Shaman, when teaching his student Carlos Castaneda, told him that the universe is made up of consciousness, and that if he changed his perception of the universe whole new worlds would open up to him. So get busy, change your perception, see the growth is difficulty, the adventure in the warrior life and whole new worlds will open up to you.
Tuesday, October 06, 2009
Dangerous Media?
A massive media backlash has started against the dancer Anton Du Beke. He called his dancing partner - the actress Laila Rouass "a Paki". Without condoning the language used, I think this is just another case of trial by media. It happened 2 weeks ago, it was a joke (if not a very funny one) and he has had his apology accepted by Miss Rouass.
A bit of a case of people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones here methinks. As I write this, an Asian woman has rung the TV programme "The Wright Stuff" to tell everyone about her workforce of Afghanies, mainly women, who are known as "The Taliban". It's a jokey refererence to something that most people can relate to when Afghanistan is mentioned. I also find it interesting that most of the people who are "outraged" are white and what used to be called middle class.
In a week where 3 people have been convicted of having pornographic images of young children in various digital media, a tsunami has struck and an earthquake has killed thousands, this really is a story that should never have seen the light of day.I'm sure Miss Rouass has given as good as she got, and I suppose the one good thing about it,it's kept Katie Price,aka Jordan, off the front pages for a day or so.
A bit of a case of people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones here methinks. As I write this, an Asian woman has rung the TV programme "The Wright Stuff" to tell everyone about her workforce of Afghanies, mainly women, who are known as "The Taliban". It's a jokey refererence to something that most people can relate to when Afghanistan is mentioned. I also find it interesting that most of the people who are "outraged" are white and what used to be called middle class.
In a week where 3 people have been convicted of having pornographic images of young children in various digital media, a tsunami has struck and an earthquake has killed thousands, this really is a story that should never have seen the light of day.I'm sure Miss Rouass has given as good as she got, and I suppose the one good thing about it,it's kept Katie Price,aka Jordan, off the front pages for a day or so.
Sunday, August 02, 2009
Timeless Wisdom
This was written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, in Cleveland, Ohio. He wrote:
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you, really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow; but, it's still a gift."
To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful, or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you, really does make you stronger.
19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24. The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words, 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come...
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow; but, it's still a gift."
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Quit your job in 90 days
The reality of Quitting Your job in 90 days
to work full-time online
- by Tony Shepherd
© Tony Shepherd
Click here to find out more
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I'll say right here and now that I DIDN'T manage to
quit my job and go full time online in 90 days...
It actually took me 97!
And that was from the point that I actually put my mind to it
and said 'OK - this is it - playing for keeps and no looking
back!'
The secret to managing to quit your job and go full time into
your own internet marketing business is down to two things:
1. Determination
2. Having a 'system' in place.
I can't give you the first one - that's up to you.
It's like quitting smoking. You try so many times using various
methods, props and crutches, but the time you actually succeed
in quitting is the time you finally decide to just DO IT.
So if you want to quit your job, the determination part is up to you I'm afraid.
But the SYSTEM that you'll need to have in place - that all successful marketers have in place, to a greater or lesser degree is up to you.
Basically you need to install an 'automatic process' in your business that converts leads into subscribers, and subscribers into buyers.
And best of all it's pretty easy to put into place.
For example you could offer a free report, then push your prospects through a sales funnel where they're given options based on their needs and wants.
It should include upsells (they've bought one thing from you so why not just add a complimentary product to the basket)
And if they're not interested in that product and decide to leave your site, maybe another of your products would be more suited to them.
You might have heard marketers talk about 'the sales funnel'
But did you know that most marketers leave PILES of money on the table by not thinking about the process from their customer's point of view?
For example if you've just subscribed to a newsletter to receive a free report, you're less likely to spend $997 on a coaching program.
But the same prospect might well be interested in a DVD telling them how to build a simple blog and profit from it within 30 days, especially if it's priced at $27, and advertised as a 'subscriber only discount'
There's a very real art to building your system.
And the best way of all is to subscribe to other marketers lists, and to see how they do it....
If you like an idea you can use it yourself, and if something makes you angry or you feel like they're just out to take your money, you know to avoid that idea when you build your own system.
The secret is to put yourself in the customer's shoes.
Too few marketers actually do this.
Good luck.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Tony Shepherd has just put togther a blueprint for
building your own online system.
For a VERY short time you can get this for free
(actual value $97)
https://paydotcom.com/r/86678/611701/
Free free to reproduce this article to
your own website/ ezine list.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
to work full-time online
- by Tony Shepherd
© Tony Shepherd
Click here to find out more
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I'll say right here and now that I DIDN'T manage to
quit my job and go full time online in 90 days...
It actually took me 97!
And that was from the point that I actually put my mind to it
and said 'OK - this is it - playing for keeps and no looking
back!'
The secret to managing to quit your job and go full time into
your own internet marketing business is down to two things:
1. Determination
2. Having a 'system' in place.
I can't give you the first one - that's up to you.
It's like quitting smoking. You try so many times using various
methods, props and crutches, but the time you actually succeed
in quitting is the time you finally decide to just DO IT.
So if you want to quit your job, the determination part is up to you I'm afraid.
But the SYSTEM that you'll need to have in place - that all successful marketers have in place, to a greater or lesser degree is up to you.
Basically you need to install an 'automatic process' in your business that converts leads into subscribers, and subscribers into buyers.
And best of all it's pretty easy to put into place.
For example you could offer a free report, then push your prospects through a sales funnel where they're given options based on their needs and wants.
It should include upsells (they've bought one thing from you so why not just add a complimentary product to the basket)
And if they're not interested in that product and decide to leave your site, maybe another of your products would be more suited to them.
You might have heard marketers talk about 'the sales funnel'
But did you know that most marketers leave PILES of money on the table by not thinking about the process from their customer's point of view?
For example if you've just subscribed to a newsletter to receive a free report, you're less likely to spend $997 on a coaching program.
But the same prospect might well be interested in a DVD telling them how to build a simple blog and profit from it within 30 days, especially if it's priced at $27, and advertised as a 'subscriber only discount'
There's a very real art to building your system.
And the best way of all is to subscribe to other marketers lists, and to see how they do it....
If you like an idea you can use it yourself, and if something makes you angry or you feel like they're just out to take your money, you know to avoid that idea when you build your own system.
The secret is to put yourself in the customer's shoes.
Too few marketers actually do this.
Good luck.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Tony Shepherd has just put togther a blueprint for
building your own online system.
For a VERY short time you can get this for free
(actual value $97)
https://paydotcom.com/r/86678/611701/
Free free to reproduce this article to
your own website/ ezine list.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Tuesday, June 09, 2009
Thursday, April 30, 2009
My Day off!!
As I am working Saturday, today was my lieu day off.Its been a while since I have been off in the week, and it really doesn't cut the mustard the same as a Saturday.
Weekends are for re-creation,you just don't get the same feeling on a weekday.
I have noticed more people around town, that I feel is a consequence of the economic slowdown, but shopping is definitely the favorite pastime of the masses!
Mothers are getting younger, most look like they should still be at school!!
or is it just the fact that I am approaching middle age much faster than I want to?
It was nice being off with my wife today, but I'm sorry, I much prefer the weekend!!
I'm a creature of habit, looks like I need to develop some new ones:-)
As for the no 1 son, his vampire stage goes on unabated - up all night,then sleeping all day.He got a bit ratty today as he had slept through his midday nap??
Talk about the life of riley!!
Weekends are for re-creation,you just don't get the same feeling on a weekday.
I have noticed more people around town, that I feel is a consequence of the economic slowdown, but shopping is definitely the favorite pastime of the masses!
Mothers are getting younger, most look like they should still be at school!!
or is it just the fact that I am approaching middle age much faster than I want to?
It was nice being off with my wife today, but I'm sorry, I much prefer the weekend!!
I'm a creature of habit, looks like I need to develop some new ones:-)
As for the no 1 son, his vampire stage goes on unabated - up all night,then sleeping all day.He got a bit ratty today as he had slept through his midday nap??
Talk about the life of riley!!
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
The Wealthy Writer
How would YOU like to earn $100k+ every single year...
... Just by using your WRITING SKILLS?
Right now, the online world is literally begging for writers. People that can tap out a few words - providing content for the millions of sites out there.
You don't have to be a Pulitzer Prize winner to get started. Heck, you don't even have to know what that means.
You just have to be able to piece together a few simple sentences - and submit them to the SECRET ONLINE WRITING MARKETS that most people have absolutely NO idea about. Even the best writers in the business!
And writing for the Internet is a GREAT WAY to earn a living from home, working in your pyjamas, on your own time.
Want to learn more? Visit this website right away:
Most authors following this program are now raking in upward of $100k - each and every year.
Visit the site and learn more. I guarantee you'll be amazed!
... Just by using your WRITING SKILLS?
Right now, the online world is literally begging for writers. People that can tap out a few words - providing content for the millions of sites out there.
You don't have to be a Pulitzer Prize winner to get started. Heck, you don't even have to know what that means.
You just have to be able to piece together a few simple sentences - and submit them to the SECRET ONLINE WRITING MARKETS that most people have absolutely NO idea about. Even the best writers in the business!
And writing for the Internet is a GREAT WAY to earn a living from home, working in your pyjamas, on your own time.
Want to learn more? Visit this website right away:
Most authors following this program are now raking in upward of $100k - each and every year.
Visit the site and learn more. I guarantee you'll be amazed!
Saturday, April 04, 2009
2009: 25% down...
Guest Blog from alwyncosgrove
"What gets measured, gets managed"
Peter Drucker
Management Theorist,
Author of 31 books.
----
So here we are again...Today marks the 25% point of the year. Sorry - it's not an April fools joke.
The entire first quarter of 2009 has already passed- we are now three months into 2009.
90 days are gone forever.
Are you on track with those New Years Resolutions? Are you on track with your goals?
If you wanted to lose 20lbs this year - are you down 5lbs already?
If your goal was to do 250 workouts - have you completed 62 ?
It's amazing how time passes so quickly. If you need a "do-over" then I'm going to give you one. you can REDO your New Years Resolutions right now and get started all over again. That's right - I'm letting you off the hook - but don't waste a single second.
If your goal is fat loss - start today
If your goal is muscle building - start today
If your goal is (insert anything here) - start TODAY !
25% of this year is gone forever. Will you make changes TODAY or will another 25% pass, then another 25% -- and before you know it -- it's 2010.....
I meet a lot of people in my job, and get a lot of questions via email. I'll talk to guys who track every single macronutrient that passes their lips, and have tried just about every program out there. When I ask them how things are going -- they'll tell me that it's great, or that the program is working well.
However, very few people actually measure and take stock of their efforts. If you are following a plan to lose fat - are you actually losing fat? And I mean at a rate that is acceptable for your efforts? Or are you blindly following a plan that doesn't work, and essentially ignoring that?
I know where my progress towards my goals stand because I measure it.
When I was in the hospital for a stem cell transplant - the medical team took measurements of temperature, blood pressure and blood samples every 4 hours.
When we implement a marketing campaign at the gym -- we track the results. We know for example how many direct mail pieces we send out, the cost of each mailing, how many inquiries we get, how many appointments are made, and how many people join the gym as a result. We know exactly how effective the plan is, and whether the return we are seeing is worth the investment.
We can see that for $X invested, we receive a return of $Y. We need to know where our membership stands - our new members, renewals etc and when our busiest times are - everything is measured and tracked so we can continue to grow and serve our members.
If you remember "SMART" goal setting -- one of the keys is 'M' - Measurable. Measure your results.
As we enter the second quarter of 2009, it's time to take stock of your efforts. Has your current return been worth the investment?
Again -- 25% of this year is gone forever. Will you make changes TODAY or will another 25% pass, then another 25% -- and before you know it -- it's 2010.....
Don't waste a single second. Start TODAY.
Where will you be at the 50% point - July 1st ? That's 13 weeks away. Will you be 13 weeks leaner - will your business demonstrate 13 weeks further growth - will you be 13 weeks closer to your goals?
The time will pass anyway....
"What gets measured, gets managed"
Peter Drucker
Management Theorist,
Author of 31 books.
----
So here we are again...Today marks the 25% point of the year. Sorry - it's not an April fools joke.
The entire first quarter of 2009 has already passed- we are now three months into 2009.
90 days are gone forever.
Are you on track with those New Years Resolutions? Are you on track with your goals?
If you wanted to lose 20lbs this year - are you down 5lbs already?
If your goal was to do 250 workouts - have you completed 62 ?
It's amazing how time passes so quickly. If you need a "do-over" then I'm going to give you one. you can REDO your New Years Resolutions right now and get started all over again. That's right - I'm letting you off the hook - but don't waste a single second.
If your goal is fat loss - start today
If your goal is muscle building - start today
If your goal is (insert anything here) - start TODAY !
25% of this year is gone forever. Will you make changes TODAY or will another 25% pass, then another 25% -- and before you know it -- it's 2010.....
I meet a lot of people in my job, and get a lot of questions via email. I'll talk to guys who track every single macronutrient that passes their lips, and have tried just about every program out there. When I ask them how things are going -- they'll tell me that it's great, or that the program is working well.
However, very few people actually measure and take stock of their efforts. If you are following a plan to lose fat - are you actually losing fat? And I mean at a rate that is acceptable for your efforts? Or are you blindly following a plan that doesn't work, and essentially ignoring that?
I know where my progress towards my goals stand because I measure it.
When I was in the hospital for a stem cell transplant - the medical team took measurements of temperature, blood pressure and blood samples every 4 hours.
When we implement a marketing campaign at the gym -- we track the results. We know for example how many direct mail pieces we send out, the cost of each mailing, how many inquiries we get, how many appointments are made, and how many people join the gym as a result. We know exactly how effective the plan is, and whether the return we are seeing is worth the investment.
We can see that for $X invested, we receive a return of $Y. We need to know where our membership stands - our new members, renewals etc and when our busiest times are - everything is measured and tracked so we can continue to grow and serve our members.
If you remember "SMART" goal setting -- one of the keys is 'M' - Measurable. Measure your results.
As we enter the second quarter of 2009, it's time to take stock of your efforts. Has your current return been worth the investment?
Again -- 25% of this year is gone forever. Will you make changes TODAY or will another 25% pass, then another 25% -- and before you know it -- it's 2010.....
Don't waste a single second. Start TODAY.
Where will you be at the 50% point - July 1st ? That's 13 weeks away. Will you be 13 weeks leaner - will your business demonstrate 13 weeks further growth - will you be 13 weeks closer to your goals?
The time will pass anyway....
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Trickle Charge Your Confidence
Getting your head straight isn't always a simple task.
Just when we think we've got a handle on it, something can
come swooping in from out of nowhere and knock us for a
loop.
How many times have you walking into a room feeling great,
and walked out an hour later wondering what just happened to
you? Or sat chatting with good friends or family and came
away feeling inexplicably down in the dumps?
Well, I've got some good news and some better news for you.
First, it's probably not your fault (more about that in just
a moment).
And second, there is something you can do now to keep the
same thing from ever happening to you again.
In a strange little study, researchers proved that a simple
list of 50 words (with just 10 negative words buried among
them) seriously changed the behavior of subjects. Every
single time. And what's worse, not one of those subjects
ever even suspected anything had been done to them.
It was entirely below their radar -- and none of their own
doing.
If you'd like to know more about that scary little
experiment and what it might mean about you, your moods,
your confidence, and your success, then click here
Best of all, as I mentioned a moment ago, there IS something
you can do to protect yourself, your thoughts and your
future.
The solution is simple and elegant, and I think you'll love
the ideas you'll find at that website. I know I do.
Look it over. At the very least, it'll help make you aware
of just how many "outside" influences are swaying our minds
this way and that, without our ever being aware of it.
And it'll show you how to take back control.
Do yourself a major favor - check this out right now!
Just when we think we've got a handle on it, something can
come swooping in from out of nowhere and knock us for a
loop.
How many times have you walking into a room feeling great,
and walked out an hour later wondering what just happened to
you? Or sat chatting with good friends or family and came
away feeling inexplicably down in the dumps?
Well, I've got some good news and some better news for you.
First, it's probably not your fault (more about that in just
a moment).
And second, there is something you can do now to keep the
same thing from ever happening to you again.
In a strange little study, researchers proved that a simple
list of 50 words (with just 10 negative words buried among
them) seriously changed the behavior of subjects. Every
single time. And what's worse, not one of those subjects
ever even suspected anything had been done to them.
It was entirely below their radar -- and none of their own
doing.
If you'd like to know more about that scary little
experiment and what it might mean about you, your moods,
your confidence, and your success, then click here
Best of all, as I mentioned a moment ago, there IS something
you can do to protect yourself, your thoughts and your
future.
The solution is simple and elegant, and I think you'll love
the ideas you'll find at that website. I know I do.
Look it over. At the very least, it'll help make you aware
of just how many "outside" influences are swaying our minds
this way and that, without our ever being aware of it.
And it'll show you how to take back control.
Do yourself a major favor - check this out right now!
Tuesday, March 03, 2009
Don't miss out
Look at your watch - check the time and the date.
How much have you spent up to now trying to start your own online business?
Hundreds?
Thousands?
So what's missing?
What's the 'secret ingredient' that almost guarantees success online, whether you want just an extra few thousand a month or you want to go the whole way and launch your own full-time online business?
The answer?
Precise Instructions.
Being shown exactly what to do, step by step from someone who's done it THEMSELVES.
Find out more here
The Internet Marketing KickStart Course is like 'Mentoring In A Box'
Based on their own 6-figure online business...
Tony Shepherd and Sara Brown are going to show you how to build your own 100% unique online business
In short you get to find out exactly how they did it - no catches - no omissions.
THEN you get to do it yourself.
I'll make this brief because 306 of the 500 slots have already been sold, and the site WILL close when it reaches capacity.
If you've not yet 'cracked it' online then check out The KickStart Course
I'll just leave you with this quote from the website:
"...forget indecision, frustration or confusion that because we are going to tell you EXACTLY - with no room for doubt - EXACTLY what to do to put money into your bank account"
Oh - and you can get the first lesson completely FREE, just check out the popup.
I hope you decide to check it out
The Kickstart Course
How much have you spent up to now trying to start your own online business?
Hundreds?
Thousands?
So what's missing?
What's the 'secret ingredient' that almost guarantees success online, whether you want just an extra few thousand a month or you want to go the whole way and launch your own full-time online business?
The answer?
Precise Instructions.
Being shown exactly what to do, step by step from someone who's done it THEMSELVES.
Find out more here
The Internet Marketing KickStart Course is like 'Mentoring In A Box'
Based on their own 6-figure online business...
Tony Shepherd and Sara Brown are going to show you how to build your own 100% unique online business
In short you get to find out exactly how they did it - no catches - no omissions.
THEN you get to do it yourself.
I'll make this brief because 306 of the 500 slots have already been sold, and the site WILL close when it reaches capacity.
If you've not yet 'cracked it' online then check out The KickStart Course
I'll just leave you with this quote from the website:
"...forget indecision, frustration or confusion that because we are going to tell you EXACTLY - with no room for doubt - EXACTLY what to do to put money into your bank account"
Oh - and you can get the first lesson completely FREE, just check out the popup.
I hope you decide to check it out
The Kickstart Course
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
A really good explanation about the Financial Meltdown
This is required reading for everyone, to make sense of the mess we are in at the moment financially.I apologise for not posting sooner, but with yesterdays meeting of the Bankers to explain how "we" got in this mess, it struck a cord.
I think the swear word for 2009 is "Banker". Read the whole article here
I think the swear word for 2009 is "Banker". Read the whole article here
Friday, February 06, 2009
Be My Valentine
Years before there existed a Saint Valentine to warm the heart and inject passion into the cold winter, mid-February was already an exciting time for Roman youths. As early as 400 years BCE, ancient Romans held a popular yearly competition as an act of worship to their god of shepherds, Lupercus. Teenage women had their names put into a box and then selected by chance alone by adolescent men. The 'winners' then found themselves legally joined for a year.
Six centuries later, the warlike emperor Claudius II put a stop to marriage for young men -- because he took it into his head that unattached men made better soldiers.
An early Christian priest, Valentine, disagreed with his Emperor and secretly performed marriage ceremonies until Claudius dicovered his disloyalty and locked him up, and eventually caused him to be martyred for his faith on February 24th, 270.
The story goes that while he was locked up, Valentine fell madly in love with his guard's daughter and when he was taken to be executed, he sent her a message signed, 'From your Valentine.'
Valentine's story provided a good excuse, and so, the by now established Christian Church, in AD 496, took the opportunity to finally abolish the hated pairing off lottery held in honor of Lupercus the pagan god and so changed the rules:
From then on, both the young men and the young women would randomly choose from the box, but now they wouldn't get the expected year of 'marriage' (or, indeed, the more earthy benefits that were implied), they would now receive the name of a Saint whose life they were obliged emulate over the coming twelve months.
Must have been quite a disappointment for the hot-bloodied young Romans!
The day of the new-style lottery was named after Saint Valentine whose selection, more than two centuries after his martyrdom, was intended more to displace the pagan god than from any honest reverence towards love.
As so often happens, public memory was more powerful than the latest political ideas -- especially when as unpopular as this and Saint Valentine's name remained synonymous with love and lovers. The young men of Rome, missing their traditional sweepstake, began instead handing notes to the girls they hoped to gain favor with on February 14th.
And so, our modern love of giving Valentines cards was was introduced over 1500 years ago!
The earliest known card that is still in existence is owned by the British Museum. It was sent by Charles, Duke of Orleans to his wife in 1415. He was held captive in the Tower of London at the time and so outpourings of love were probably more acute than most!
In the sixteenth century the Bishop of Geneva tried to reinstate the yearly Saint's name lottery, but his efforts were short-lived. February 14th was by then too firmly associated with lovers for the Church to successfully interfere.
At the end of the 18th century, in 1797 a British publisher, a man who would have done well in modern times, published a guidebook called 'The Young Man's Valentine Writer' which contained hundreds of ready made sentimental verses for young men with more passion than poetry in their souls.
Sending Valentines cards anonymously not surprisingly started in Victorian times. Those outwardly straight-laced folks secretly loved anything that hinted at being 'naughty', but publicly were obliged to display a veneer of respectful purity. Hence, the messages in Victorian cards became ruder and ruder, but the authors remained hidden behind a respectful anonymity.
The earliest known of Valentine's cards in the U.S., Esther Holland charged up to $35 for a single card. An enormous amount of money way back in 1870!
In case you are wondering, we still write kisses with the letter 'x' because back when reading and writing was a rare skill, a person would 'sign' their name with their mark -- a cross. So that the mark would carry weight, people would draw their cross and kiss it -- much the same as they would kiss the Holy Bible. So the written 'x' became a written substitute for a kiss.
May you have a romantic Valentine's day! X
Six centuries later, the warlike emperor Claudius II put a stop to marriage for young men -- because he took it into his head that unattached men made better soldiers.
An early Christian priest, Valentine, disagreed with his Emperor and secretly performed marriage ceremonies until Claudius dicovered his disloyalty and locked him up, and eventually caused him to be martyred for his faith on February 24th, 270.
The story goes that while he was locked up, Valentine fell madly in love with his guard's daughter and when he was taken to be executed, he sent her a message signed, 'From your Valentine.'
Valentine's story provided a good excuse, and so, the by now established Christian Church, in AD 496, took the opportunity to finally abolish the hated pairing off lottery held in honor of Lupercus the pagan god and so changed the rules:
From then on, both the young men and the young women would randomly choose from the box, but now they wouldn't get the expected year of 'marriage' (or, indeed, the more earthy benefits that were implied), they would now receive the name of a Saint whose life they were obliged emulate over the coming twelve months.
Must have been quite a disappointment for the hot-bloodied young Romans!
The day of the new-style lottery was named after Saint Valentine whose selection, more than two centuries after his martyrdom, was intended more to displace the pagan god than from any honest reverence towards love.
As so often happens, public memory was more powerful than the latest political ideas -- especially when as unpopular as this and Saint Valentine's name remained synonymous with love and lovers. The young men of Rome, missing their traditional sweepstake, began instead handing notes to the girls they hoped to gain favor with on February 14th.
And so, our modern love of giving Valentines cards was was introduced over 1500 years ago!
The earliest known card that is still in existence is owned by the British Museum. It was sent by Charles, Duke of Orleans to his wife in 1415. He was held captive in the Tower of London at the time and so outpourings of love were probably more acute than most!
In the sixteenth century the Bishop of Geneva tried to reinstate the yearly Saint's name lottery, but his efforts were short-lived. February 14th was by then too firmly associated with lovers for the Church to successfully interfere.
At the end of the 18th century, in 1797 a British publisher, a man who would have done well in modern times, published a guidebook called 'The Young Man's Valentine Writer' which contained hundreds of ready made sentimental verses for young men with more passion than poetry in their souls.
Sending Valentines cards anonymously not surprisingly started in Victorian times. Those outwardly straight-laced folks secretly loved anything that hinted at being 'naughty', but publicly were obliged to display a veneer of respectful purity. Hence, the messages in Victorian cards became ruder and ruder, but the authors remained hidden behind a respectful anonymity.
The earliest known of Valentine's cards in the U.S., Esther Holland charged up to $35 for a single card. An enormous amount of money way back in 1870!
In case you are wondering, we still write kisses with the letter 'x' because back when reading and writing was a rare skill, a person would 'sign' their name with their mark -- a cross. So that the mark would carry weight, people would draw their cross and kiss it -- much the same as they would kiss the Holy Bible. So the written 'x' became a written substitute for a kiss.
May you have a romantic Valentine's day! X
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
The Best Fat Loss System Around?
How would you like to learn from the guy who Men's
Health magazine turns to each month for top fat
loss information?
Well, now is your chance because for the first
time in almost 1.5 years fat loss expert, Alwyn
Cosgrove, has released his most cutting edge and
power system.
This same programs that people at his gym will
pay almost $300 for!
In the Warp Speed Fat Loss System Alwyn
reveals...
-How how you can super charge your metabolism for
36 hours for extra fat burning
-How to use the secrets of powerlifting to
acutally accelerate your weight loss.
-Scientifically designed cardio training that
specifically vaporizes lower ab and thigh fat.
-And this is just a taste of Warp Speed Fat Loss
Training...
My favorite part of this whole thing is that you
don't have to live in the gym. You only are
training for less than 5 hrs a week!
Don't miss out on this. Join the hundreds of
people that are using Warp Speed Fat Loss to
change their bodies Hurry and visit:
Warp Speed Fat Loss Now
Health magazine turns to each month for top fat
loss information?
Well, now is your chance because for the first
time in almost 1.5 years fat loss expert, Alwyn
Cosgrove, has released his most cutting edge and
power system.
This same programs that people at his gym will
pay almost $300 for!
In the Warp Speed Fat Loss System Alwyn
reveals...
-How how you can super charge your metabolism for
36 hours for extra fat burning
-How to use the secrets of powerlifting to
acutally accelerate your weight loss.
-Scientifically designed cardio training that
specifically vaporizes lower ab and thigh fat.
-And this is just a taste of Warp Speed Fat Loss
Training...
My favorite part of this whole thing is that you
don't have to live in the gym. You only are
training for less than 5 hrs a week!
Don't miss out on this. Join the hundreds of
people that are using Warp Speed Fat Loss to
change their bodies Hurry and visit:
Warp Speed Fat Loss Now
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Kettlebell Training
Kettlebells are the latest trend with Hollywood fitness trainers.With good reason, they are very effective for quick fat loss.Here's a video of some lesser known, but no less effective exercises.
You are only limited by your imagination!!
You are only limited by your imagination!!
Friday, July 04, 2008
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Kiss Me Hardy
This year, in October, we celebrate the 203rd Anniversary of the Battle of Trafalgar in which that Great National Hero, Admiral Horatio Nelson, took on, and beat our long-term adversaries, the snivelling Frenchies and their Spanish allies.But what would have been the case if the battle had taken place in October 2008 ?Picture the scene:...October 21st 2008 - Upper Poop-Deck - HMS Victory - 0700 hrsNelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."Hardy: "Aye, aye, sir."
N: "Hold on a minute, that's not what I dictated to the signals officer. What's the meaning of this?"
H: "Sorry sir"
N: (reading aloud) "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"
H: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equalopportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
N: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
H: "Sorry sir, you're not allowed to smoke whilst on board ship. All naval vessels have been designated as smoke-free working environments."
N: "In that case, Hardy, break open the rum ration and we'll splice the main brace before the battle."
H: "The rum ration has been abolished, sir. It's all part of the Government's policy on Binge Drinking."
N: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it then. Full speed ahead."H: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, sir."
N: "For fuck's sakes, man! We're on the verge of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all speed. Send a man to the crow's nest."
H: "Not possible, sir."
N: "What??"
H: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest sir. No harnesses, and they say that the rope ladders do not meet current regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
N: "Then get the ship's carpenter without delay."
H: "He's busy building a wheelchair access ramp to the fo'c'sle, sir."
N: "Wheelchair access ? I've never heard anything so absurd."
H: "Health and Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled"
N: "Differently-Abled? I've only got one eye and one arm, and I refuse to hear mention of the phrase. I didn't get to be an Admiral by playing the disability card."
H: "Actually, sir, you did. The Admiralty was under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
N: "Whatever next? Give me full sail, the salt spray beckons."
H: "A couple of problems there too, sir. H&S won't let the men up the rigging without harnesses and hard hats, and they don't want them breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
N: " I never heard such infamy. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
H: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
N: "What? This is mutiny!"
H: "No, it's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of Legal-Aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
N: "How then are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
H: "Actually, sir, we're not"N: "What??"H: "No sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. And, according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in these waters. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
N: Devil take it, Hardy. You must hate every Frenchy as you would hate the Devil himself."
H: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you say that, sir. You'll be up on a charge."
N: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our King."
H: "Not any more, sir. We must all learn to be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, sir. It's the rules, and it could save your life."
N: "Don't tell me, Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
H: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu, and there's a ban on corporal punishment."
N: "What about sodomy?"
H: "I believe that it is now legal, sir."
N: "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."
N: "Hold on a minute, that's not what I dictated to the signals officer. What's the meaning of this?"
H: "Sorry sir"
N: (reading aloud) "England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What gobbledegook is this?"
H: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid sir. We're an equalopportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
N: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
H: "Sorry sir, you're not allowed to smoke whilst on board ship. All naval vessels have been designated as smoke-free working environments."
N: "In that case, Hardy, break open the rum ration and we'll splice the main brace before the battle."
H: "The rum ration has been abolished, sir. It's all part of the Government's policy on Binge Drinking."
N: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it then. Full speed ahead."H: "I think you'll find there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water, sir."
N: "For fuck's sakes, man! We're on the verge of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all speed. Send a man to the crow's nest."
H: "Not possible, sir."
N: "What??"
H: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest sir. No harnesses, and they say that the rope ladders do not meet current regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
N: "Then get the ship's carpenter without delay."
H: "He's busy building a wheelchair access ramp to the fo'c'sle, sir."
N: "Wheelchair access ? I've never heard anything so absurd."
H: "Health and Safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently-abled"
N: "Differently-Abled? I've only got one eye and one arm, and I refuse to hear mention of the phrase. I didn't get to be an Admiral by playing the disability card."
H: "Actually, sir, you did. The Admiralty was under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
N: "Whatever next? Give me full sail, the salt spray beckons."
H: "A couple of problems there too, sir. H&S won't let the men up the rigging without harnesses and hard hats, and they don't want them breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
N: " I never heard such infamy. Break out the cannons and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
H: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
N: "What? This is mutiny!"
H: "No, it's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of Legal-Aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
N: "How then are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
H: "Actually, sir, we're not"N: "What??"H: "No sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. And, according to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in these waters. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
N: Devil take it, Hardy. You must hate every Frenchy as you would hate the Devil himself."
H: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you say that, sir. You'll be up on a charge."
N: "You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of our King."
H: "Not any more, sir. We must all learn to be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest, sir. It's the rules, and it could save your life."
N: "Don't tell me, Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
H: "As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu, and there's a ban on corporal punishment."
N: "What about sodomy?"
H: "I believe that it is now legal, sir."
N: "In that case, kiss me, Hardy."
Friday, March 28, 2008
Bruce Lee’s Top 7 Fundamentals for Getting Your Life in Shape
If you haven’t been living under a rock for the last 30 years I’m pretty sure you know who Bruce Lee was. 
If you have, then you may be interested to know that Lee was a very famous martial artist and actor who sparked the first big interest of Chinese martial arts in the West in the 60’s and 70’s.
But besides being an awesome fighter and iconic figure Lee also had some very useful things to say about life.
Here are 7 of my favourite fundamentals from Bruce Lee.
1. What are you really thinking about today?
“As you think, so shall you become.”
Perhaps the most basic statement of how we work. Think about what you are thinking today. What do those thoughts say about you? About your life? And how well do they really match your plans for your life and your image of yourself?
It’s easy to forget abut this simple statement in everyday life. It’s easy to be quite incongruent with what you think on an ordinary day compared to how you view yourself and your goals. A simple external reminder such as a post-it with this quote can be helpful to keep you and your thoughts on the right track. An brilliant and beautiful expansion on this thought can be found in James Allen’s As a man thinketh (that can be downloaded for free here).
2. Simplify.
“It’s not the daily increase but daily decrease. Hack away at the unessential.”
“If you spend too much time thinking about a thing, you’ll never get it done.”
If you want to improve your life then it’s tempting to want to add more. One problem with this may be that you don’t really have the time or energy to do more though. And so your efforts to improve become short-lived.
Adding more and more just creates more stress and anxiety. Removing clutter and activities, tasks and thoughts that are not so important frees up time and energy for you to do more of what you really want to do. And as the clutter in your outer world decreases the clutter in your inner world also has a tendency to decrease. This has the added benefit of making it easier to actually enjoy whatever you are doing even more while you are doing it.
Adding more thoughts and thinking things over for the 111:th time may create a sense of security. It’s also a good way to procrastinate and to avoid taking that leap you know you should take. And the more you think, the harder it gets to act. Perhaps because you want to keep that comforting sense of security and avoid the risk of wrecking that feeling.
Thinking has its place. It can help you plan a somewhat realistic route to your goal and help you avoid future pitfalls. Overthinking is however just a habit that will help you waste a lot of time. It’s more useful to replace that habit with the habit of just doing it.
3. Learn about yourself in interactions.
“To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person.”
The one person that is the hardest to get to really know may be yourself. Studying yourself while you are alone may result in some insights. But it’s also likely to produce a lot of made up thought loops and doubts in your mind. A good way to really learn more about yourself is study yourself in interactions with other people. How people react and act in these interaction can over time teach you a lot. And what you think and how you react can perhaps teach you even more.
What you see, feel and hear in other people may be a reflection of you. The things you learn by thinking this way may not always be pleasant, but they can be enlightening. They help you to see yourself and also how you may be fooling yourself. And these powerful insights can be very valuable for your personal growth. So, in interactions with others, try asking yourself: what is reflected?
4. Do not divide.
“Take no thought of who is right or wrong or who is better than. Be not for or against.”
This is a very useful and powerful thought. It is also one that obviously is hard to live by. Why? I believe it’s because the ego loves to divide and find ways to “add more” to itself. It want’s to feel better than someone else. Or more clever. Or prettier. Or cooler. Or wiser.
How can you overcome this way of thinking and feeling?
To me it seems to boil down to not identifying so much with your thoughts or feelings. That doesn’t mean that you stop thinking or feeling. It just means that you realize – and remember in your everyday life – that the thoughts and emotions are just things flowing through you.
You are not them though.
You are the consciousness observing them.
When you realize and remember this it enables you to control the thoughts and feelings instead of the other way around. It also enables you to not take your thoughts too seriously and actually laugh at them or ignore them when you feel that your ego is acting out. When you are not being so identified these things you become more inclined to include things, thoughts and people instead of excluding them. This creates a lot of inner and outer freedom and stillness. Instead of fear, a need to divide your world and a search for conflicts.
To learn more about this I would recommend Eckhart Tolle’s books and signing up for the 10 free and excellent webcasts - available both in video and audio form – that he’s doing with Oprah right now.
5. Avoid a dependency on validation from others.
“I’m not in this world to live up to your expectations and you’re not in this world to live up to mine.”
“Showing off is the fool’s idea of glory.”
The ego wants to add because it thinks it’s not enough. One way of doing that is by craving validation from others. We want to feel smart, pretty, successful and so on. And the validation makes you feel good for a while. But soon you need a new fix.
And the problem with being dependent on validation from other people is that you let other people control how you feel. This creates a rollercoaster of emotion in your life.
To find more emotional stability and to take control of how you feel you need to get your validation from to a more consistent source. Yourself. You can replace the expectations and validation of others by setting your own expectations and by validating yourself.
And so you validate yourself by thinking about how awesome you are. You don’t sell yourself short. You appreciate how far you have come and the positive things you have done. You appreciate your own value in the world. You set goals and you achieve those goals. This builds confidence in yourself and in your abilities. These things will help you to build a habit of inner validation.
Now, showing off. Why do we do that? To get validation from others. However, this need for validation often shines through and that is why a thing like bragging seldom works. Instead of seeing the cool and successful person you are trying to project people just see the insecure and needy person looking for validation. And your bragging falls flat.
6. Be proactive.
“To hell with circumstances; I create opportunities.”
It’s easy to get locked into a reactive mindset. You just follow along with whatever is happening. You do what the people around you do. You react to whatever is going on.
And so you get lost in your circumstances. This way of thinking doesn’t feel too good. You tend to feel powerless and like you are just drifting along.
A more useful and pleasurable way of living is to be proactive. As Bruce says: to create opportunities despite the circumstances around you. This feels better and provides better results. But on the other hand it’s also more difficult. It’s easier to just drift along in the reactive stream of life. And if you want to be proactive then you may have to take the lead quite often. And that can be scary.
Still, living proactively is so much more rewarding and exciting.
7. Be you.
“Always be yourself, express yourself, have faith in yourself, do not go out and look for a successful personality and duplicate it.”
Just being yourself is a hard thing to do. You may do it sometimes. And other times you may forget or fall back into old thought patterns. Or you may imitate someone else.
And that comes through too. And it may work.
But I believe that being the real you will work better. Because there the genuine you is shining through. Without incongruency, mixed messages or perhaps a sort of phoniness. It’s you to 100%. It’s you with not only your words but you with your voice tonality and body language – which some say is over 90% of communication - on the same wavelength as your words. It’s you coming through on all channels of communication.
So I’m not saying: “yeah man, you should just be yourself because it’s the right thing to do etc.” I’m saying that I think being your authentic self – the one where you do little dividing, the one that needs little validation from others, the one where your ego is not running the show and trying to get something from someone – will give you better results and more satisfaction in your day to day life because you are in alignment with yourself. And because people really like genuine and people really like authenticity.
Image by SabTomie.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Guest Blog: Fundamentals of Success
Basics/Fundamentalsby Jim Rohn
"Success is neither magical nor mysterious. Success is the natural consequence of consistently applying basic fundamentals.
There are no new fundamentals. You've got to be a little suspicious of someone who says, "I've got a new fundamental." That's like someone inviting you to tour a factory where they are manufacturing antiques.
Some things you have to do every day. Eating seven apples on Saturday night instead of one a day just isn't going to get the job done.
Success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines, practiced every day; while failure is simply a few errors in judgment, repeated every day. It is the accumulative weight of our disciplines and our judgments that leads us to either fortune or failure."
20% down....
A fifth of 2008 has already passed.Are you on track with those New Years Resolutions? Are you on track with your goals?It's amazing how time passes so quickly.Don't waste a single second.If your goal is fat loss - start todayIf your goal is muscle building - start todayIf your goal is (insert anything here) - start TODAY !20% of this year is gone forever. Will you make changes TODAY or will another 20% pass, then another 20% -- and before you know it -- it's 2009.....Don't waste a single second. Start TODAY.
Basics/Fundamentalsby Jim Rohn
"Success is neither magical nor mysterious. Success is the natural consequence of consistently applying basic fundamentals.
There are no new fundamentals. You've got to be a little suspicious of someone who says, "I've got a new fundamental." That's like someone inviting you to tour a factory where they are manufacturing antiques.
Some things you have to do every day. Eating seven apples on Saturday night instead of one a day just isn't going to get the job done.
Success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines, practiced every day; while failure is simply a few errors in judgment, repeated every day. It is the accumulative weight of our disciplines and our judgments that leads us to either fortune or failure."
20% down....
A fifth of 2008 has already passed.Are you on track with those New Years Resolutions? Are you on track with your goals?It's amazing how time passes so quickly.Don't waste a single second.If your goal is fat loss - start todayIf your goal is muscle building - start todayIf your goal is (insert anything here) - start TODAY !20% of this year is gone forever. Will you make changes TODAY or will another 20% pass, then another 20% -- and before you know it -- it's 2009.....Don't waste a single second. Start TODAY.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
100 Realities.
Guest Blog from Geoff Thomson
Know this: a small world, one that offers limitation as
staple, one that is circumvented by fear, one that has
guards of curtail at every exit is not reality - or should
I say it is reality, but just one of a hundred possible
realities.
A small reality is the product of a small under developed
mind.
And also know this: all monsters and mad-men and demons and
demigods and every demiurge, they come from the mind.
The weak body, the shit job, the poor wage and the putrid
future; they come from the mind too.
Bullies, bad men and ugly folk, trace them back and you
will find that they all stem from the mind.
The villain the vicious the vapid and the vainglorious, are
rotten apples that have fallen from the mind tree.
Depression comes from the mind.
So does the vanquished and the hemmed-in and the haggard.
The mind is responsible for all.
Don Juan Matus said that our reality is but a single room
in a house of a hundred rooms and with training we could
learn to access the other 99, in fact with training we
could actually get out of the house.
The 100 realties come from the mind.
The house comes from the mind.
The realities outside the house, they all come from the
mind.
But the mind is controlled by a gargoyle. The gargoyle is
called ego, and ego likes to feast on sense gluttony, it
spoils on food, drink, drugs, pornography, alcohol and
noise! And it thrives on limiting beliefs and doubt and
blame.
And small realities.
It likes small safe realities.
The ego comes from the mind.
So train the mind is the art of austerity and asceticism,
they are the anathema of ego, its harbinger of doom.
Foster perfect moderation, adopt self control and give
birth to integrity.
Build your foundation on famished ego, and build upon your
base large, expansive, palatial realties.
Once you control the mind you become the architect of all
that comes from the mind.
Because….everything comes from the mind.
Be well
Geoff Thompson.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Make your Blokes Valentine's Day
I know, I know: Valentine's Day is all about women, and deservedly so. Women absolutely have earned the flowers, the cards, the love notes, the sensual kisses, and everything else they have coming on that day, aside from the typical three-hour restaurant wait.
The focus should be on women (not maitre d's). But as long as guys are chauffering the love limo on that night of nights, maybe we could take a look at what they might like, as a kind of side trip on the way to destination You? Consider this his wish list for the day. And relax. No chocolate boxes, fading roses, or £5 Hallmark cards will be necessary! But he'd love it if you'd offer up...
Romance Lite. He knows he better come up with innovative ways to show his affection. Some guys will go with a flowery card, some will pile on the rose petals, and some will even pull out their guitars and write a sappy song (thanks for making the rest of us look bad, guys).
He's not asking you to do any of that for him, but if he arrives at the office on Thursday to find an e-mail waiting with five examples of why you dig him, or if he receives an instant-message that launches a day-long e-flirtation, or if you interrupt his morning with a caress across the phone lines, then you've begun foreplay before you even get together, and your night will be a whole lot hotter because of it.
A Thank You-In Early March. If your man goes full tilt on Valentine's Day-dinner, with candles, a table-side violinist, and a special dessert from the kitchen, you won't have much of an opportunity to launch your own romantic agenda. He's already planned the big show.
But you are free to demonstrate your appreciation in a number of ways, and one of the best is by planning a darn good time for the two of you a few weeks later. A woman who takes the lead (especially in response to the man doing so) is one of every guy's greatest turn-ons.A Surprise. If you're planning to buy each other presents, consider buying him some underwear. But here's the twist: Buy lingerie for you to wear, but make it a dainty little nothing you know he'll love to see you barely wearing.
Wrap it up and present it to him as his gift. When he opens it, tell him you're going to wear it out that night. That way, the lingerie becomes the wrapping, and you're the sexy present he'll get to open up later. That gesture, and the night of romantic expectation it sets up, will supercharge your evening together.
A Steak. If you want your favorite diet meal , go ahead and choose your favorite place. (Agree to eat really early or really late, or you'll still probably be waiting for your starters on Feb 15!) But your man would also appreciate it if he could order a 10-ounce steak, and if you would take a few bites.
Red meat is a building block for testosterone, which is a libido booster for both of you. Not that the effects are instantaneous, but the promise of more testosterone down the line can rev you both up right now. You'd be amazed how good nutrition can revitalize your sex life - check out this red-hot menu of arousal. Get a peek at what guys think of the holiday with this hilarious and helpful Valentine's Day Survival Guide.
The focus should be on women (not maitre d's). But as long as guys are chauffering the love limo on that night of nights, maybe we could take a look at what they might like, as a kind of side trip on the way to destination You? Consider this his wish list for the day. And relax. No chocolate boxes, fading roses, or £5 Hallmark cards will be necessary! But he'd love it if you'd offer up...
Romance Lite. He knows he better come up with innovative ways to show his affection. Some guys will go with a flowery card, some will pile on the rose petals, and some will even pull out their guitars and write a sappy song (thanks for making the rest of us look bad, guys).
He's not asking you to do any of that for him, but if he arrives at the office on Thursday to find an e-mail waiting with five examples of why you dig him, or if he receives an instant-message that launches a day-long e-flirtation, or if you interrupt his morning with a caress across the phone lines, then you've begun foreplay before you even get together, and your night will be a whole lot hotter because of it.
A Thank You-In Early March. If your man goes full tilt on Valentine's Day-dinner, with candles, a table-side violinist, and a special dessert from the kitchen, you won't have much of an opportunity to launch your own romantic agenda. He's already planned the big show.
But you are free to demonstrate your appreciation in a number of ways, and one of the best is by planning a darn good time for the two of you a few weeks later. A woman who takes the lead (especially in response to the man doing so) is one of every guy's greatest turn-ons.A Surprise. If you're planning to buy each other presents, consider buying him some underwear. But here's the twist: Buy lingerie for you to wear, but make it a dainty little nothing you know he'll love to see you barely wearing.
Wrap it up and present it to him as his gift. When he opens it, tell him you're going to wear it out that night. That way, the lingerie becomes the wrapping, and you're the sexy present he'll get to open up later. That gesture, and the night of romantic expectation it sets up, will supercharge your evening together.
A Steak. If you want your favorite diet meal , go ahead and choose your favorite place. (Agree to eat really early or really late, or you'll still probably be waiting for your starters on Feb 15!) But your man would also appreciate it if he could order a 10-ounce steak, and if you would take a few bites.
Red meat is a building block for testosterone, which is a libido booster for both of you. Not that the effects are instantaneous, but the promise of more testosterone down the line can rev you both up right now. You'd be amazed how good nutrition can revitalize your sex life - check out this red-hot menu of arousal. Get a peek at what guys think of the holiday with this hilarious and helpful Valentine's Day Survival Guide.
Friday, February 01, 2008
A sound financial lesson
I have just read this on the motley fool website.It should be essential reading for everyone
How To Spend Less And Have More!
Read and absorb the lesson, it will change the way you think about money.
How To Spend Less And Have More!
Read and absorb the lesson, it will change the way you think about money.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Common Sense?
Read this on the productivity 501 blog
Struck a cord, particularly in these turbulent financial times!!
(note I have slightly abridged the opening statement)
Help Me Understand the Subprime Mess
I don’t understand the subprime mess. I mean I understand the idea that if you try to loan a bunch of people money who are likely to default (bad credit, poor financial skills, etc.), then you have a high chance of them … well, defaulting. That part makes sense, but the way it is causing problems for banks doesn’t make sense to me.
So lets skip the whole part of the subprime mess where lenders gave loans to people who really shouldn’t have qualified for it at discounted rates that are now starting to reflect the true risk of their loan and triggering a bunch of foreclosures. That part I understand. That is the part we hear about.
Here are the two things I don’t understand:
Why does this matter to the banks that bought up the mortgages?
Where are all the cheap houses that are being foreclosed on?
So starting with the first question: Why is this hurting banks? Recently, Etrade sold several billion dollars worth of mortgages to Citadel for 28 cents on the dollar. That is a pretty steep discount and is supposed to reflect the fact that Citadel assumes that 72% of the original investment will just evaporate. What I don’t understand is why the liability is on Etrade (and now Citadel’s) shoulders. Every mortgage I’ve every had required mortgage insurance until I owned at least 20% equity. So either these were homes selling for $80,000 that they somehow got to appraise for $100,000 and thus didn’t not require mortgage insurance, these were special loans that didn’t require insurance, or the mortgage insurance is somehow packaged into the loan (which would make the mortgage insurance thing seem like even more of a rip off).
If mortgage insurance is involved then there should be a bunch of insurance companies getting into trouble instead of the banks that purchased the mortgages. More importantly, if the mortgages use the houses as collateral, then why does the bank think no one would be willing to pay more than 1/3rd of what the house last sold for? This brings me to my second question.
Second question: Where are all the cheap houses? For banks to start unloading their mortgage investments for less than 1/3rd of their face value they have to really be losing money. Keep in mind that the banks aren’t dealing with just one loan, they are dealing with thousands of loans. For a bank to say, “We have 1,000 mortgages for $100,000 each and for each of these loans we only expect to be able to collect $28,000.” is a pretty big step. That would mean that after the bank forecloses they are only able to recover $28,000 from a $100,000 house. Take into consideration that there are some people that won’t default and that means the average foreclosure will value a $100,000 house at less than $28,000.
So where are these homes? I can’t find anyone selling houses for that type of discount. Detroit has a bunch of run down houses for sale in the $30,000 range, but those weren’t ever $100,000 homes. I haven’t seen any real estate market in any part of the country where people are only will to pay no more than 1/3rd of the price a home went for in the last 4 or 5 years.
So what am I missing? Can anyone shed some light on my confusion? If banks are losing as much money as they say they are then someone should be getting a really good deal on houses. Is this happening in your part of the country?
Struck a cord, particularly in these turbulent financial times!!
(note I have slightly abridged the opening statement)
Help Me Understand the Subprime Mess
I don’t understand the subprime mess. I mean I understand the idea that if you try to loan a bunch of people money who are likely to default (bad credit, poor financial skills, etc.), then you have a high chance of them … well, defaulting. That part makes sense, but the way it is causing problems for banks doesn’t make sense to me.
So lets skip the whole part of the subprime mess where lenders gave loans to people who really shouldn’t have qualified for it at discounted rates that are now starting to reflect the true risk of their loan and triggering a bunch of foreclosures. That part I understand. That is the part we hear about.
Here are the two things I don’t understand:
Why does this matter to the banks that bought up the mortgages?
Where are all the cheap houses that are being foreclosed on?
So starting with the first question: Why is this hurting banks? Recently, Etrade sold several billion dollars worth of mortgages to Citadel for 28 cents on the dollar. That is a pretty steep discount and is supposed to reflect the fact that Citadel assumes that 72% of the original investment will just evaporate. What I don’t understand is why the liability is on Etrade (and now Citadel’s) shoulders. Every mortgage I’ve every had required mortgage insurance until I owned at least 20% equity. So either these were homes selling for $80,000 that they somehow got to appraise for $100,000 and thus didn’t not require mortgage insurance, these were special loans that didn’t require insurance, or the mortgage insurance is somehow packaged into the loan (which would make the mortgage insurance thing seem like even more of a rip off).
If mortgage insurance is involved then there should be a bunch of insurance companies getting into trouble instead of the banks that purchased the mortgages. More importantly, if the mortgages use the houses as collateral, then why does the bank think no one would be willing to pay more than 1/3rd of what the house last sold for? This brings me to my second question.
Second question: Where are all the cheap houses? For banks to start unloading their mortgage investments for less than 1/3rd of their face value they have to really be losing money. Keep in mind that the banks aren’t dealing with just one loan, they are dealing with thousands of loans. For a bank to say, “We have 1,000 mortgages for $100,000 each and for each of these loans we only expect to be able to collect $28,000.” is a pretty big step. That would mean that after the bank forecloses they are only able to recover $28,000 from a $100,000 house. Take into consideration that there are some people that won’t default and that means the average foreclosure will value a $100,000 house at less than $28,000.
So where are these homes? I can’t find anyone selling houses for that type of discount. Detroit has a bunch of run down houses for sale in the $30,000 range, but those weren’t ever $100,000 homes. I haven’t seen any real estate market in any part of the country where people are only will to pay no more than 1/3rd of the price a home went for in the last 4 or 5 years.
So what am I missing? Can anyone shed some light on my confusion? If banks are losing as much money as they say they are then someone should be getting a really good deal on houses. Is this happening in your part of the country?
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Free Multi media blogging course
I'm evaluating a multi-media course on blogging from the folks at Simpleology. For a while, they're letting you snag it for free if you post about it on your blog.
It covers:
- The best blogging techniques.
- How to get traffic to your blog.
- How to turn your blog into money.
I'll let you know what I think once I've had a chance to check it out. Meanwhile, go grab yours while it's still free.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Insurance Claim Latest
In the interest of fairness, and balanced reporting, I am happy to report that my insurance claim is being settled to the satisfaction of all concerned. I feel that if I didn't keep calling the claims department, I would probably still be waiting, but maybe Norwich union can look at how they contact people.The main thing is if you promise to call someone within 48 hours CALL THEM!! Don't make it as they have to chase you.
On another note:
I have an outstanding gripe with a magazine subscription offer, which I am still waiting for a gift to be sent to me as a thank you.Again I was told that someone would contact me within 2 days, which was a week ago.I am ready to name and shame, let's see what happens tomorrow!!
Now just so you don't think I am a moaning Git- here's some alternate definitions to some common words- enjoy
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
And Have you ever wondered:
When an agnostic dies, do they go to the "great perhaps"?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all
the difference between here and there?
Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at
fortune tellers take economists seriously?
If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra
would they get a four legged chicken with it's own barcode?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Why is there always one in every crowd?
If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
Is it possible to have deja-vu and amnesia at the same time?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
On another note:
I have an outstanding gripe with a magazine subscription offer, which I am still waiting for a gift to be sent to me as a thank you.Again I was told that someone would contact me within 2 days, which was a week ago.I am ready to name and shame, let's see what happens tomorrow!!
Now just so you don't think I am a moaning Git- here's some alternate definitions to some common words- enjoy
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOUR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
And Have you ever wondered:
When an agnostic dies, do they go to the "great perhaps"?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?
Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?
If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all
the difference between here and there?
Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at
fortune tellers take economists seriously?
If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra
would they get a four legged chicken with it's own barcode?
If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?
Why is there always one in every crowd?
If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?
Is it possible to have deja-vu and amnesia at the same time?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Ironic
Recieved this from my sister in law today, it gave me a smile, see what you think
Many thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat manure in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
I now scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
In fact all my money is gone but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program...
Or, I'll receive it from t he senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
And I dont go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to d ial a number and I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Many thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........
I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat manure in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.
I now scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.
In fact all my money is gone but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program...
Or, I'll receive it from t he senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.
I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy petrol without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.
And I dont go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to d ial a number and I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan
Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.
And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the £5.00 I found dropped in the car park because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbour’s ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician.
By the way....a South American scientist after a lengthy study has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
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